Sunday, February 12, 2012

Church Bullies.

Dear February,

I am not quite ready to write about all of this but it is so heavy that I want to just jot it down.  Today I left church early, with my son, because one of the worst church bully's I have ever had was there to teach his class.  I had talked to the Primary President about it but as our ward has recently been stripped, and never really has a lot to offer in the first place, there is little to pull from.  So as we discussed I pulled him and consequently Abby too.  I was conflicted but of the two choices this was the lesser evil.  I can teach my kids about God at home, instead of correcting and reteaching at home.

It has brought up other insecurities from the past.  A bishop who is young and overloaded, that did not stand up for me last year when this whole situation was at a pinnacle.  He caved under the local mob.  I feel anyway, and since he did not follow up with my request that he assure me that he was doing things according to the Spirit this is my assumption.  It makes it really hard to go to church and perform in a hard and demanding calling that is open to criticism.

 It hurts actually.  It hurts even more to have Adam taken away and misused several times a week knowing that the leadership has little testimony about his call. All sorts of doubt creep in and although we try to know for ourselves we often feel lost.  I have tried to remain steadfast but I feel like I am waning.  I feel like I am dehydrated and asked to run a marathon with no water.

I have not considered inactivity so frequently or seriously since I was a teenager-and that was not even contemplated, it simply happened.  This time it would come after much contemplation and prayer.  and a lot of pleading and crying.  I have not associated church with this much pain in decades.

A girl born in november