McQueen Bike

This last weekend we bought Josh his first bike.  It is a McQueen bike and he loves it.  Since Abby and Adam had a daddy daughter date planned and our favorite dog owners offered up their pooch for the weekend; I decided to take my half of the crew out to the Tow Path.  

We picked up Lainee and headed out.  It was a perfect evening.  It was still warm from the day, but cooling off as the sun was beginning to set.  I got out the stroller, the bike, and the dog.  Josh got on the bike and immediately took off.  "Yeaaaaah"  "I'm going to go sooo fast"  "Whooo hooo!" were the most common phrases he said.

For about half of the ride I jogged to keep up with him and he held lainee's leash.  We went way farther than I expected from my three year old.  He instinctively knew so much about when to pedal or slow down, to stand up when pedaling is really hard, and how to turn.  Most impressively he was not scared about big hills and handled his bike so well when going down them.  I loved every second of watching him ride his bike.  If he never sat on it again it would still be worth every penny we spent on it.

Injured

Last week I hit a mileage that I haven't seen since before Josh was born.  I also went faster than ever before.  It sounds great and I felt great doing it.  Unfortunately I didn't feel great Sunday, Monday or Tuesday.  I know how to deal with the typical IT band issues and was prepared for that kind of fall out.

This is something new.  Adam said he thought I have an inflamed patellar ligament. Ouch! Basically I feel like the lower half of my leg is going to fall off everytime I lift my leg.  It's a bit uncomfortable.  The landing feels as though the joint is being smacked back together with all the force of my weight behind it. Ouch!

Fortunately the cure isn't too complicated.  Ice, ibuprofen, and a knee brace.  Also at the end of this week I am getting new shoes that I can start running in next week.  I think this will really help me.

Since I am set back anyway I have decided to start an official half marathon training plan.  The race isn't until September BUT if I can complete the program twice then I will have a little bit of time to work on speed and could possibly set a time finish.  Also I can  possibly race in the Dirty Series 19k in July.  Super Fun.  

The Pretender

I often feel like I am just pretending to be grown up.  Being over 30 is so different from what I thought 30 would be like, even 5 years ago.  Since graduating from high school I just keep anticipating a natural maturity/growth spurt like my children experience every 6 weeks.  I keep expecting to wake up and just know all the things I am supposed to know-like homemaking and mothering skills.  Much like I used to wake up and be able to touch both ends of the bathtub at the same time or when letters became words.  I just keep hoping it will come. Preferably sudden, overnight.  Tomorrow would be great.

There is a lot of pretending in my grown up world.  My confidence in first time adulthood acts, like purchasing a home, or agreeing to watch 9 kids for unknown periods of time-it's all pretending.  I pretend to be happy for my kids and I pretend to be perfect at church (ironic I know).  I pretend to be more flawed than what I actually am if someone compliments me or if they are struggling with something I don't-something I am working to not do (I consider this part of sending a representative instead of my true self and possibly one of my most annoying traits).  I pretend to care about a lot of things that I just don't.  Like being perfect.  Or making perfect stuff.  I am the opposite of perfectionist-which I guess means I am sloppy.

On another note.

I ran another race.  It was awesome.  I can see why trail runners like to go long and fast.  My knees didn't complain at all on my fastest 6 mile race.  This morning when I waded through our concrete jungle my knees and I started a conversation after just 2 miles.  I am considering waking up even earlier to drive to a place to run-something I didn't understand until just a few weeks ago.  The quieter my body the better.

The Return

On Monday morning, in the first hour to be exact, Adam arrived home.  To be honest I had a smorgasbord of feelings.  It was taxing for people to keep asking these assumptive questions "Aren't you so excited that Adam is almost home?" And they were often unsure of what to say when I didn't pee my pants with anticipation.

It was especially hard this last week. People know that Adam has been out of the state for two months, but they don't really know how long he has been gone.  In my mind he has been really really gone for an entire year.  Between boards, school, and church he has had nothing left for home.  The few moments when he was at home was spent on the phone, texting, or studying.  Or worrying.  It was too much.

Last summer after boards I literally begged him to give up his church calling.  He felt like he was passing school as a direct blessing from performing his best at church.  I felt like he was severely neglecting his family.  It really hurt me that he didn't ask to be released and that the Stake didn't recognize what was occurring within our family.  No one in a leadership position has asked nonetheless taken into account my feelings, wants, or needs in regards to Adam being in this position initially or for so long and through such a difficult time of our lives.  Ironically in the past Adam had to give permission for me to be a  primary pianist.  

When he left, very little for us changed.  In some ways it was a relief actually.  I did and have told him that he was like living with a woman in labor.  It was stressful for him to be home.  The kids wanted his attention but he was too busy.  Always too busy.  On his way to Texas he was released.  This changed a lot for me personally. It was scary to hope that I might have my husband back.

All of these feelings have made things a little messy.  I am a lot more sensitive because I felt so hurt and so neglected.  I sound needy but the reality of it is so different.  I always thought I could be ubber supportive of any church calling Adam had.  I now know that I am one of "those" wives who have a breaking point.  One of "those" wives who might say no when asked to support him in certain callings at certain times in our lives.  I don't like that about me, but it is true.  I cannot be both a mother and a father to my children.  I cannot live in solitude and I cannot have my life constantly interrupted or changed around at the whimsy of church needs.

Now that he is home it is great.  We are making a lot of happy adjustments.  Some are hard and some are easy.  I am still a little cautious in believing that he will be here more often.  He is much happier and far less stressed- he is the person that I married ten years ago.  I have never wanted anything in my life as much as I want him home.