Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Pretender

I often feel like I am just pretending to be grown up.  Being over 30 is so different from what I thought 30 would be like, even 5 years ago.  Since graduating from high school I just keep anticipating a natural maturity/growth spurt like my children experience every 6 weeks.  I keep expecting to wake up and just know all the things I am supposed to know-like homemaking and mothering skills.  Much like I used to wake up and be able to touch both ends of the bathtub at the same time or when letters became words.  I just keep hoping it will come. Preferably sudden, overnight.  Tomorrow would be great.

There is a lot of pretending in my grown up world.  My confidence in first time adulthood acts, like purchasing a home, or agreeing to watch 9 kids for unknown periods of time-it's all pretending.  I pretend to be happy for my kids and I pretend to be perfect at church (ironic I know).  I pretend to be more flawed than what I actually am if someone compliments me or if they are struggling with something I don't-something I am working to not do (I consider this part of sending a representative instead of my true self and possibly one of my most annoying traits).  I pretend to care about a lot of things that I just don't.  Like being perfect.  Or making perfect stuff.  I am the opposite of perfectionist-which I guess means I am sloppy.

On another note.

I ran another race.  It was awesome.  I can see why trail runners like to go long and fast.  My knees didn't complain at all on my fastest 6 mile race.  This morning when I waded through our concrete jungle my knees and I started a conversation after just 2 miles.  I am considering waking up even earlier to drive to a place to run-something I didn't understand until just a few weeks ago.  The quieter my body the better.

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