Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Return

On Monday morning, in the first hour to be exact, Adam arrived home.  To be honest I had a smorgasbord of feelings.  It was taxing for people to keep asking these assumptive questions "Aren't you so excited that Adam is almost home?" And they were often unsure of what to say when I didn't pee my pants with anticipation.

It was especially hard this last week. People know that Adam has been out of the state for two months, but they don't really know how long he has been gone.  In my mind he has been really really gone for an entire year.  Between boards, school, and church he has had nothing left for home.  The few moments when he was at home was spent on the phone, texting, or studying.  Or worrying.  It was too much.

Last summer after boards I literally begged him to give up his church calling.  He felt like he was passing school as a direct blessing from performing his best at church.  I felt like he was severely neglecting his family.  It really hurt me that he didn't ask to be released and that the Stake didn't recognize what was occurring within our family.  No one in a leadership position has asked nonetheless taken into account my feelings, wants, or needs in regards to Adam being in this position initially or for so long and through such a difficult time of our lives.  Ironically in the past Adam had to give permission for me to be a  primary pianist.  

When he left, very little for us changed.  In some ways it was a relief actually.  I did and have told him that he was like living with a woman in labor.  It was stressful for him to be home.  The kids wanted his attention but he was too busy.  Always too busy.  On his way to Texas he was released.  This changed a lot for me personally. It was scary to hope that I might have my husband back.

All of these feelings have made things a little messy.  I am a lot more sensitive because I felt so hurt and so neglected.  I sound needy but the reality of it is so different.  I always thought I could be ubber supportive of any church calling Adam had.  I now know that I am one of "those" wives who have a breaking point.  One of "those" wives who might say no when asked to support him in certain callings at certain times in our lives.  I don't like that about me, but it is true.  I cannot be both a mother and a father to my children.  I cannot live in solitude and I cannot have my life constantly interrupted or changed around at the whimsy of church needs.

Now that he is home it is great.  We are making a lot of happy adjustments.  Some are hard and some are easy.  I am still a little cautious in believing that he will be here more often.  He is much happier and far less stressed- he is the person that I married ten years ago.  I have never wanted anything in my life as much as I want him home.  


matt said...


matt said...
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