Thursday, September 3, 2009

Guts

I wish I had the guts to live my life the way I want to live it. I'm a little embarassed to say that I don't even know all the major parts of what that would be. I guess with the move and with Adam gone all the time and being at the mercy of my children I've felt a little out of control. A little like I'm not sure of who I am or what I want exactly. Part of this probably comes from comforting myself that I will make it back into school. Everyone around me is going to school and it kills me a little bit. I really loved school and want to go back very badly. I like the learning and writing and testing part of school.
Part of it is arranging a schedule. I think that I've got this somewhat figured out. But I wish that I could do more.
A lot of this has to do with starting over. We are starting over. New place, new school, new people, new house, new doctor, new everything. But there are limits, like feeling scared to ask people to watch my kids, feeling scared to ask people over, learning to clean a new house and having people come over and see my disorganized house...Learning a new ward and a new city...definitely learning a new way to live. Amidst all of this I wish I had more guts to live the way I want to live. Whatever that is. Maybe the sense to know exactly what that statement means.

3 comments:

Rachel Holloway said...

Elizabeth. I think you would be amazed to know how many people look up to you! I, for one, felt quite inadequate if I compared myself to you because YOU seem to have it all together...organized and on the ball. :)

It's hard to start new...hard to make those big changes. I get that. I totally do. And I am here if you ever want to talk or get together! :)

Teresa said...

AMEN to Rachel! I 2nd that!....all of it! It will get easier and more comfortable eventually and maybe to the point you hate to MOVE BACK TO TEXAS....Heaven Forbid... :) But it really will get better in short order. You will meet more and more people at the gym, preschool, church, etc. and not to mention all of those people who stop you because they have to take a moment to admire your precious children. Enjoy the time as it is for now because it will not stay that way for long. Love you all!!! We think about you all everyday!!!!
Teresa

ADAM BROWN said...

I'm glad you made the sacrafice to come to a new place and build a home here. P.S. those stuffed guts are cool. I would get a stuffed gubernaculum.