Benign Terrorism

Some of you know that I have a passive-aggressive streak.  For instance this past summer as Adam and I were folding clothes my darling husband came out with an outrageous accusation.  He accused me of intentionally loading all of his clothes with the old dryer sheets.  He complained that it seemed to him that he was the only one who had dryer sheets in his clothes. 

It was such a genius idea.  It is so cathartic to put old dryer sheets in his socks or pockets, sleeves.  I've tried to find places where he won't notice them until lunch or have a friend pluck one from the back of his shirt.  Very cathartic when more random and untrue accusations come my way...or just when I am upset but not enough to really say anything...or when he couldn't do anything to change it anyway.  Harmless most days.  Other days it might send him into a sneaky hate spiral *this particular post does contain "language"*

Anyway you get the point.  I have a passive aggressive side.

So I've decided that my GPS is controlled by non-commital terrorists.  The less passionate part of terrorism that doesn't make it into the news.  They hate, they have opinions, but they don't want to waste their energy or voice trying to get their message out there.  Too much effort. 

Instead they made their own generic GPS brand at a slightly cheaper rate so that suckers like me would use them.  I have a mio.  The mio is a great passive aggressive tool. 

First of all I'm convinced that the randomly red/green satelite tracker is a camera.  When the said terrorist cannot see my face the satelite will go out and require re-adjustment.  This give the viewer optimal viewage of my frusteration.

The next step just depends on how much time my GPS terrorist has. 

Sometimes they will take me a very direct route only to have me make a perfect 1 mile square around my required destination causing me to be late even if I leave 1/2 hour early.  Ofcourse this also give me 1 square mile to get lost on my own.  Also amusing.  Amusing to watch me continuing to make the same sequential right hand turns and then wait while the mio recalculates and has me go around the block again. 

When they have some time they can be very creative.  Avoiding all highways except toll roads, knowing from the hidden camera that I have .30 less than the required toll.  And ofcourse the toll does not lead me where I want to go.  I will have to turn around, or better yet take surface streets.

You know the streets where every crossroad is a stop sign.  And ofcourse it is late at night.  And some how I am in the dangerous part of cleveland when I needed to be closer to Akron.  Then the GPS recalculates and tells me that I am 20 miles from my destination.  Really I am 2 miles if I could just find the !@)#(*#%^) highway. 

The highway is also a wonderful tool.  Since you have to merge and take all sorts of not clearly marked highway signs (why don't they just say "This way is home"  It would be so much easier).  Cleveland loves to have 3 exits or merges all at once.  The GPS terrorists helped plan this part of Cleveland. 

It is highly satisfying to lead you to one of these junctions and then recalculate your route.  Or tell you to get off at the next exit.  There is an arrow that takes up the entire part of the picture that tells which exit to take.  You will never take the right one and it will take atleast 8 miles one way to turn around.  Highly enjoyable. 

Ofcourse then you get to the part where the user (me) tries to beat the GPS.  This is where they suddenly get smart.  I print off mapquest directions and use the GPS.  Just to prove that it is a piece of junk that does not deserve a spot on the windshield where I could be looking at a dead bug.  Or traffic.  This is where they start messing with the mileage and ETA.

I am obsessed with the mileage and ETA functions of the GPS.  I feel so good when I can make the ETA go down by one minute.  If I need to speed and cut off a cop it is worth it.  When it is a long trip and I can make it go down by like 20 minutes it is so rewarding.  I've decided that it is like the "close door" button on the elevator.  It's not real.  It's the GPS terrorists.

This is where their plan is so awesome.  If I follow the mapquest directions they add minutes and mileage.  Always.  They can sense my lack of confidence.  I begin to forgive the GPS.  Start to think that it is better than mapquest, or worse my own weak knowledge of Cleveland.  Clearly if I am adding beloved minutes and mileage then I should have just followed the GPS.

 I feel inferior and resolve to just trust the GPS that will tell me that my destination is another 1/4 mile ahead when it is clearly right there.  Right there on the side of the road, no really right there.   I can see it but maybe I'll get minutes and mileage if I go around the block again.