pregnancy part 1

I've tried not to obsess too much about being pregnant but now that I am at the pinnacle it is hard for me and others to ignore.  Badgered everyday by complete strangers advice and questions about my lady parts in addition to the very realistically excessive weight I am carrying around it is hard for it not to consume my whole world.  Plus a human is literally going to come out of me in a couple of weeks.  Very uhhh consuming. 

Subject #1 Old Men

Lately this old guy at Bally's with a thick european accent has been really weird around me.  First of all he is grandpa old.   Like he could be my grandpa or maybe even  my dad's grandpa old.  Second of all he embodies a lot of the things that makes me feel like an agist prick.  He smells like baby powder, oils his hair, gets to close, lacks basic social skills, anticipates that his every word will be taken as golden droplets of pure truth with the strength of super glue.  Third he tells me that pregnancy is sexy.

Old men, like as in more than 5 years (being generous here) older than me, should not say the word sexy.  Ever.  And young men, as in more than 5 years younger than me, should just think it is a word in Justin Timberlake songs.  This is a droplet of golden truth with the strength of super glue.

Anyway he does super annoying things that I can't really tell on him about.  I can't really complain to the management that he is old and used the word sexy.  I don't think that they could do anything but tell him that he bugs me, something I do with every ounce of body language; which is a lot these days. 

Today he told me that he thinks I work too hard.  Which means he watches me.  Ewww.  Then he told me that he thought another pregnant lady that is due in december, that he apparently stalks, is lazy.  She is still at the gym.  This made me mad.  Very very very very mad.  Like smash his face with my car mad. 

Just to be clear I don't participate in conversations with him.  He needs no eye contact or verbal cues to continue talking.  In fact he stands behind whatever weight machine I'm on and talks to me. 

It made me mad that based solely on his stalking and oldness factor he had the audacity to judge and compare me and someone else.  I've had an exceptionally good pregnancy.  If I had the capacity to enjoy pregnancy this would be the one to enjoy.  Second of all no pregnant lady in a gym can be lazy.  It's just not possible.  Even walking up stairs winds you.  It is almost impossible to be lazy as a pregnant person.  Third, he clearly has never done it.  Thank heavens he reminds me that he has never successfully procreated, which means that he also has never even helped someone else do it.  What a butt.   

Also he should never ever watch me.  He should just look at gym equipment.  Maybe use it.

Subject #2

Clothes suck during pregnancy. 

They are cute when you are in your second semester. 

Then your third trimester hits and you are the shape of that planet with rings and lots of moons all encompassed by skin.  That is all the hold me together is skin.  Who knew that pregnancy is so lumpy.  Nothing like the basketball that you shove under your shirt when you are trying to scare your husband before you have kids.  Really much more like a planet surrounded by rings and moons held together under a stretched out zebra looking type of skin.

Clothing manufacter's don't know how to dress saturn/venus mixed bodies.  They don't.  So you can wear a heavy tent that still doesn't cover everything or you can wear clothes that are more normal that don't cover everything...

Today I got a little crazy.  Normally I do the mirror check and I change clothes a few times.  Even then it's barely tolerable.  Today I was in a big hurry so I did not do a mirror check.  I wore maternity pants with Adam's polo.  I thought that it would be okay.   I looked exactly like a planet with rings and lots of moons.  I could be a poster child for teens to not get pregnant.  "Look you have to dress ugly while you are pregnant.  Don't have sex!"

I'm having an even harder time this pregnancy because I really don't want to spend any money clothes that I am going to wear for just a few months.  I have a maternity wardrobe I shouldn't have to buy more clothes.  But nothing fits.  Nothing.  Even when I go to the store to buy things they either fall right off or show every detail that would shame even an astrologer.  I'm not naturally modest either.  Sorry world.  Look for me at that Walmart shame website.