The Transition from 1 to 2

Several of my friends have asked me this question, and it is a question that I asked before I had 2. So I thought I would write a blog about it.
Before I had 2 I was worried about a few things. I was worried about how I would sleep. When Abby was a baby I got sleep when she did. It was not consecutive but I still got enough. I was worried about how Abby would react. Would she try to kill Josh? Would she love him to death? Would she like having a brother. I felt very much like this was imposed on her. Although we talked to her about it she can't really make these kinds of decisions. I was worried about loving him enough. I worried about how I would give each of them the time they needed. I worried about carrying both of them in my arms. I worried about Abby regressing. The year of 2 had so many milestones and I was really worried of losing all of that. I worried about more than what I can write here. However, right before I had Josh, like the day before I felt the peace and calm that I needed to know that I could handle it. I should mention that this feeling came with a lot of prayer.

I expected things to collapse after having Josh. I anticipated being so incredibly tired that Abby's interaction with other humans would come from the TV. I expected the house to be in shambles and to not want to see ANYBODY for weeks. I also prepared to hunker down and not go anywhere for a couple of months. I expected to be weak and frail from giving birth and that Abby would need to be in diapers right away.

After Josh was born things didn't collapse. Abby retained her potty training abilities and she seemed excited and receptive to having a sibling. I faired well at night because during the day I had help and could take a nap or a break as needed. In the first week after Josh was born I felt physically well. We went to the park and out for short stints. What I didn't realize is that things don't collapse after having a baby they simply unravel.

For Abby the unraveling happened over a few days in the second week. For some reason she would not let anyone else watch her. She would cry and refuse to leave me. She was vehement about staying right by me all the time. As close as possible. Then she began having more and more accidents. Eventually she had a few complete breakdowns. I tried to attribute these to stress but since everyone went back to work and Abby wouldn't go anywhere with anyone I was EXHAUSTED.

Something beyond all this happened to Abby. She got so big after I had Joshua. I looked at her and immediately had much higher expectations of her than what I had before. It took sometime for me to realize that I had done this. They were things like picking an outfit and getting dressed in only a slightly longer amount of time that it took me. Or cleaning her room how I would want it cleaned. Or being very patient when she not only wanted something but needed it. I still wonder about my expectations of her. They are much higher and different than when she was an only child. At the same time she grew from my expectations. She can now do a lot more things more independently.

The hardest thing for me with Abigail hasn't been the demand of attention or re-potty training. Although wildly frustrating they are temporary. The new lesson and hardest for her to grasp is how to treat Joshua. She immediately loved him. She has never expressed anything but love for him. But the second of my fears is more real. She may love him to death. Or more likely injury. She likes to run into the room and land a little too hard next to or on top of him. She doesn't understand why she can't smother him. Or smother him with kisses when she is sick. Or hold him by herself while she is walking around. It is hard for her to understand how fragile he is. Once while I was in the shower I felt like something was wrong. I had put Josh in his crib with the crib rail all the way up. I did not imagine what I found mid-shower when I felt like something was wrong. Abby was in Josh's crib with him "giving him his Binky". I think that he could breath but who knows for how much longer if I hadn't found them? Once or maybe twice I caught her trying to cover his mouth so that he would stop crying. She thought that these were comfort measures. There are other things I didn't think about with Abby that have changed our relationship. I don't like it when Abby plays with his toys because I am worried that she will break them. I don't like it when Abby holds his arms or hands because I am worried that she will break them. I love that she is protective over him and won't let things that she perceives to be harmful happen to him. She protects him from other three year olds. Which is funny. She is so interested in him and loves to help me with him. I am constantly trying to figure out more and benign things she can do with and for him. This is a wonderful surprise.

As for sleep the first week or two were okay. Ironically at night when I wake up to feed him I don't feel exhausted. I guess I treasure the alone time I have with him enough that I don't think about it. He is not a fussy baby for the most part and generally goes back to sleep when I am ready. It is during the morning hours that I feel it. Right now Abby gets up at about 7:30. That is about the time that Josh goes back to sleep after waking up at 6:15 or so. Fortunately this last week he has started sleeping for about 5 hours straight. Sleep is not my biggest problem although it does affect how cranky I feel. For the most part I feel like I can muscle through it. I just remind myself that I can sleep when I am an old lady.

The thing that really affects the way the I function is working out. Admittedly I am very bad at sacrificing sleep for exercise. I have been fortunate enough to have my mom watch Josh and Abby once or twice a week while I go to the gym. I can get my frustrations out and am remarkably more patient with Abby. (Thanks Mom it makes more of a difference than you know). It also offsets some of the exhaustion. It is also a lifeline to who I am. When I am working out I can just worry about me for an hour. I can not worry about potty training or breast feeding or who is sick or what we need to do next. I can just be. It's huge for me.

The house cleaning has taken a hit. There has been an explosion of laundry. Part of that is having a newborn. The other part is potty training. Now that Abby is down to just a few accidents a week it is getting more doable. Where laundry used to be folded and put away while it was still warm from the dryer...well lets just say it's cold by the time it makes it to folded and put away. Dishes are slowly getting better. This is in part once again to mom. I keep trying to get back on to the kitchen. It is the big energy drainer for me. It seems like working in the kitchen at all causes children to cry or poop or barf or get hurt or have a major catastrophe or go completely crazy with scissors or markers...Vacuuming is doable. Cleaning the bathroom is quick and doable.

Shopping is a pain in the butt with two kids. I would rather clean the kitchen than go shopping. I would rather consume all of the food storage before shopping (we have dipped into our food storage more than ever before because I do not want to go grocery shopping). It is the ultimate energy drainer. Even if the kids are at home and I have a list. This may just be a personal thing. There are few things I hate worse than grocery shopping. I hated grocery shopping before I had kids, hated it more after I had Abby, and hate it even more now that I have Joshua.

The good news here is that I feel like we are starting to come full cycle. Joshua is eight weeks today. Abby sleeps in her own bed and for the most part is back where she was with potty training before Josh was born. She loves to get out and go places with or without me. Things are getting easier. Not quicker. Not yet. I still take a million years to leave the house and I only plan one thing per day. But it is getting more enjoyable everyday.

Despite all of these downs there are some incredible ups. I absolutely love being a mother. Abby can be incredibly sweet and helpful. She amazes me with her ability to learn and her different interests. She is funny with what annoys her and how she handles it. She is beginning to start real imaginative play and it is incredible to hear and see what she comes up with. Josh melts my heart and I feel happy and privileged to be his mommy all the time. He smiles so much and is so laid back. I just love watching him gather information and take it all in. Its wonderful to see him do little things like bat at his toys. Just like Abby I could give him all my attention for the rest of my life and not feel like I missed out on anything that this world has to offer. All of these feelings of intense love for my children (how fun is that to say!) have made the transition from 1 to 2 much easier than what I expected. There is so much more to say regarding the transition from 1 to 2. Much more than what I can or will write. Also there are lots more people out there who have a greater wealth of knowledge about this. Hopefully they will comment with suggestions and insight.